she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
