We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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