and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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