Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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