M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
