I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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