the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You need Xanax blowdarts
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
