Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
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I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
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don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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