This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
