Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
