I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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