She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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