her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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