I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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