Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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