My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
