I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
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I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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