By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
