Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
