just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
