Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
