She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
