I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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