Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
