you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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