I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
