You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
