I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.