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K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
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