Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
