if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
