At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
