giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
