I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
