i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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