if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
