Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I smell stomach acid.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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