I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
