My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
