your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
