Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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