you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
