I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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