If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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