how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
