$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
