Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
