forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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