Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
