I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
