i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
3pm strippers are depressing
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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