From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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