You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
