I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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